BALL TOUCHER

When I was a kid, doctors were nothing but total authority figures to me. They were super smart people who helped others recover from or prevent illnesses. My parents also told me doctors made a lot of money, which was probably a hint from my Mom that she would not have disagreed had I chosen to become a doctor.

Anyways, once I was in undergrad and more so while I was in grad school, I started to meet a lot of med students. These were exceptional young men and women who had the intelligence and tenacity to tackle the work required to become a medical doctor. Now that a few years have passed since I left grad school, most of my med school friends are now finishing up their training or are just starting their careers in doctorology as a doctorologist.

Now that everyone has had some experience in seeing and treating patients, I’ve been privy to some really interesting stories. Keep in mind, in all cases, doctor-patient confidentiality has been upheld. My doctor friends never give out any details that would allow me to identify a patient directly or indirectly.

With that in mind, let me relay to you a story one of my doctor friends told me. My friend, let’s call him “Rajneesh”, has a private practice and sees patients in his own office. I won’t give away what type of practice he has but Raj sees both males and females in work. For some of the males, it’s unavoidable that he needs to examine their testicles.

He is, of course, very professional about it. He asks the dudes to drop them pants and underwear so he can have a look and yes, so he can have a manual inspection as well (with gloves on). Now most of the time, the males are very good patients. Once their junk is exposed and ready for inspection, they just wait for my friend Raj to do what he needs to do. Unfortunately, there have been a few dudes who stray from the standard operating procedure.

Some dudes, start manipulating their twig and berries with their hands for whatever reason. Raj can’t figure out if they think they’re actually helping by moving their junk around or if they’re just nervous. In any case, it’s of course no help to Raj. Personally, if I were in that situation, I’d think the doc would know more about the examination so why the hell would I go start messing with stuff? You don’t see me sticking my hands in the engine of my car while my mechanic is doing work on it!

So while the junk manipulation is just a small annoyance before the actual examination, the bigger problem is that these dudes now have junk residue on their hands. Raj tells me that only one of the ball touchers he’s had in his office has ever asked to wash their hands once the exam was over. The rest just carry on as if they didn’t just touch their penis and testicles in front of another man. Raj said that some even go to shake his hand when the appointment is over.

The problem doesn’t end there. Because these dudes now have junk residue on their hands, they must be tracked as they leave Raj’s medical office. Raj keeps an eye on everything a ball toucher touches in the exam room. Once a ball toucher starts to go back to the waiting area to exit, Raj will quickly instant message his receptionist with “ball toucher”. This is a signal for the receptionist to keep an eye out for everything the ball toucher makes contact with in the front of the office. Once the ball toucher leaves, the receptionist then knows what to go and disinfect.

Let this be a lesson to all of us. If you must touch your own genitals at the doctor’s office, at least ask to wash your hands before leaving or you’ll be labeled a “ball toucher”.

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