REALLY?

Last week, track and field officials announced that American sprinter LaShawn Merritt had tested positive for steroids in three separate doping tests. Normally this isn’t notable news since athletes are caught with illegal substances in their bodies all the time. Merritt’s case, however, is somewhat different.

Merritt claims that the steroids, specifically DHEA, got into his body via a “male enhancement” drug named ExtenZe. Though the makers of the drug can’t legally say it, they strongly hint that the drug can make your penis larger. Merritt claims ignorance in that he didn’t know the drug contained a banned substance. Of course, excuses like that are not entertained by sport governing bodies. Athletes in the past have been suspended for taking the wrong cold medicine.

It’s interesting to note that Merritt, who is African-American, was taking a drug that he believed might make his penis larger. Now I dislike going to stereotypes, I myself have been subjected to a lot of Asian stereotypes, but it just seems odd that a dude of his racial background would need a drug to make his wiener bigger. Isn’t his wang supposed to be larger than average by default? Perhaps he was just being greedy and wanted something that could belong in the Guinness Book of World Records.

Last but certainly not least, Merritt himself has released a statement concerning his failed tests. These are his actual words:

“To know I have tested positive as a result of a product I used for personal reasons is extremely difficult to wrap my hands around.”

Really? I can’t believe he actually used those terms to describe the situation. On the contrary, I think he took the drug for express purpose of making it difficult to wrap his hands around it.

I’m here all week folks and remember to tip your waitress.

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