ACCESS DENIED

So last night I was sent on an errand to buy fruit. It’s kinda like living with Kramer from Seinfeld. Anyways, I was in a rush to get back to watch The Simpsons, so I high-tailed it to the nearest produce department, which happened to be a Safeway.

In the pouring rain, I made my way to the entrance of the store. As I am about to enter, two males are leaving. They are in their late teens or early twenties and scruffy looking, the norm for where I live. As I pass them, one dude says to other, “Hold on, I’m going to go back and get that chick’s number.”

I am immediately intrigued. Dude turns back goes back into the store. I enter the store as well. I let him get a little further of ahead of me. This might get interesting. I see him walk towards one of the aisles. In this aisle is a single person, a female. She looks like she’s in her late teens as well. Her hair is jet black. She’s kinda gothy looking but cute.

As dude saunters up to the girl, I file past them into the aisle. I’m the drinks aisle. I go far enough not to impinge on them but close enough to hear. I pick up a package of Crystal Light. Only five calories per serving huh?

I sneak a look over. They’re talking but I can’t hear exactly what. It seems to small talk. He’s got a handful of papers in his hand, like a mishmash of wadded up forms. Some of them look like coupons. Is he giving her a coupon? Is that his in? Weird. Then he starts patting down his pockets. It looks like he’s fishing for a pen or something.

I look away for a second to examine the box of Crystal Light. Then, I hear him say, “Listen, do you want to go out sometime…”

He pauses. It’s a long pause. I look up to see what’s happening. Out of nowhere, a third person has joined them. It’s a guy, tall and gothy looking too. He’s standing right next to goth girl. The implication is that they are together. Where the hell did he come from? I swear I would have heard him walk by me. No one is saying anything. The silence is loud. I can feel the awkwardness from where I’m standing.

Painful seconds pass by. Finally, the dude yields. He wads his paper back up into a ball and abruptly turns and leaves. The goth couple are left behind. They begin to talk in low voices. It’s impossible to hear what they are saying.

With that, I remember I need to get back home to watch TV. I put the box of Crystal Light back on the shelf and head off to the produce section.

So dude may not have been suave and deboner but I applaud him for trying. Next time he’ll have a pen and the girl won’t have her ninja boyfriend appear out of nowhere.

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