A QUESTION OF ETIQUETTE

A few of us here at SJC have decided to go to Victoria for reading break next month. We’ve decided to stay at cheap motel near the downtown core. Bryan and Sarah get their own room and I’ll be sharing a room with three other ladies. We plan on only being there for a weekend.

I mentioned our plans to a friend of mine. He immediately had some questions.

“So, um, have you ever shared a hotel room with three other females before?”

“Well, this one time I was daydreaming I was at this bikini convention and…”

“How well do you know these ladies?”

“I consider them good friends.”

“How comfortable do you feel around them?”

“Well, they’ve seen me in my PJs, most of SJC has too, so there’s a level of comfort there.”

“You’re a guy right?”

“It may not be used very often, but I have all the right equipment.”

“Erwin, have you ever burped, farted, or scratched yourself?”

“Um, why are you asking me this?”

“Do you think you could go all weekend without doing any of those things?”

“Well, I could I guess, but there’s a strong chance I’d blow up like the Hindenburg.”

“Dude, we’re guys, we like to fart, burp, and scratch ourselves whenever we please. If we can’t do it in public, we wait until the very first second we’re in private to do so… you won’t have a second of privacy the entire weekend.”

“I’m not a big scratcher myself, though I do get kinda itchy on the legs right before I go to sleep, it’s a weird thing I have.”

“Erwin, the second you scratch one of your legs in bed, your friends will be thinking you’re going for the meat and two veg.”

“Oh please… and I can just close my mouth when I burp. If I need to let one rip, I’ll just go to the bathroom.”

“You’re telling me if you need to de-pressurize the main cabin, you’ll go to the bathroom each time? What if you’re in bed? What if someone is in the bathroom already? What if you need to let a string of ’em go? You’ll go each time?”

“Excuse me, what finishing school did you say you went to?”

“Look, all I’m saying is that you’ll be enjoying the trip a lot less than you think you’ll be. You’re going to pay the price for being a guy.”

“Don’t women have to do those things too?”

“Probably not the ones you’re going to be rooming with.”

“I really don’t know.”

“Hey, isn’t your sister living in Victoria?”

“Yeah.”

“How comfortable do you feel around her?”

“It is not uncommon for us to discuss the nuances of farting and burping.”

“So there you go, you should probably just spend your nights there, so you won’t be persecuted for being a guy.”

“Hmmm… I don’t know, I’ll have to think about it.”

“Oh my God dude, I totally forgot! What if you have to go do number two while you’re there??!?!?!?!”

Well, it was right about there that I ended the conversation. Nevertheless, my friend did bring up some very important points. I don’t consider myself a pig or a slob, but hey, let’s face it, I’m not exactly an upper-class female socialite either.

I’m going to open up the floor for discussion, please feel free to comment.

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