IDIOT VALENTINE

You have no doubt have heard of men who are completely clueless when it comes to Valentine’s Day etiquette, ranging from forgetting the day entirely to being a moron on said day. This year, I got some first-hand experience at how dumb men can be. Let me explain in detail.

Last year, I started a tradition where I gave all the ladies on the skate franchise team a Valentine’s Day card and a generous amount of Hershey’s Chocolate Kisses on the big day. Twelve months ago, I bought a pack of cheesy Spider-Man V-day cards designed for kids and addressed them to the skate ladies. It turned out to be a big hit, so I decided to continue the tradition this year.

For 2009, I bought extra-fancy Spider-Man V-day cards. This time they were lenticular cards that gave wicked awesome 3D effects when you tilted the cards. I also bought red and silver foiled Hershey’s Kisses with some almond Kisses mixed in for good measure.

Now since we had some unpleasant “staff reductions” last month, the seating plan went to hell afterwards. Since we had people on different floors, there was a quick consolidation of team members to get everyone back on 12. Because of that, I couldn’t rely on the name bars on the cubicles to tell me where all the ladies were sitting. To help me, I asked Amie, our production coordinator, to assist my efforts, with the stipulation she would get an extra dose of chocolates. She easily agreed with my plan and she printed me up an interim seating plan with all the ladies’ cubicles circled for quick reference. With the plan in hand, before I left for home on Thursday, I laid out the cards and chocolates for all the lovely ladies of skate.

When I arrived at work on Friday morning, I had already received several thank yous via e-mail and got a few more while I was brewing my first cup of green tea. The strange thing was that while I was getting my tea, Sarah or Toshi as I call her, walked by and didn’t say anything. That was kinda weird since she’s pretty good at her “please and thank yous” and we get along well.

I didn’t think anything more of it and then I had hours and hours of meetings that day. When I returned to my desk around 3pm, I checked my e-mail and there was one from Sarah. It was short and to the point:

“I can’t believe you forgot about Toshi on Valentine’s Day. :(“

I was like “WTF?!” I distinctly remember putting her card on her keyboard and the chocolates on her desk. I got up immediately and walked over to the cubicle where I had left her stuff. Instead of finding Sarah, I found some random dude. She was sitting in the cubicle next to random dude.

“Sarah, you sit here? Why aren’t you sitting in this cubicle?”

It turns out she and random dude traded places but didn’t register the move with Amie, so the seating plan wasn’t accurate. Ok fine but the card was clearly made out to Sarah. If I showed up to work one day and found a card addressed to a girl and some chocolates, I’d make sure the right person got the card and chocolates. So now my attention turned to random dude.

“Hey! Did you find a card on your keyboard this morning you mofo?”

It turns out he did and he still had it on his desk. He then showed it to me.

“Did you turn the card over and read it?”

Yes, he had in fact read it.

“Did it occur to you that your name is not Sarah and perhaps that card was meant for the Sarah, the very same Sarah that sits right next to you?”

He really didn’t have an answer to that.

“Did you also find some chocolates on your desk?”

Yes, he did find some chocolates on his desk.

“Where are the chocolates now?”

He ate them almost right after he found them. Now, I was getting really annoyed with this guy.

“Let me get this straight, you found a V-day card that wasn’t addressed to you, along with some chocolates but you neglected to give the card to the intended recipient, who sits next to you, and you also ate the chocolates anyways?”

He nodded.

Random dude was still holding the V-day card at this point so I snatched it out of his hand in a manner that was so indignant, it was straight out of a movie. I then turned in place and politely gave the card to Sarah who had been watching and listening to my exchange with random dude the entire time.

“I’m really sorry. This is yours.”

Sarah thanked me but I really wanted to grill random guy again. Before I could, another dude jumped to his defense by saying random dude thought everyone on the team got cards and chocolates. That has happened in the studio in the past but my card was signed by me! It said “From: Erwin” on it! Anything from the studio says “From Black Box”! How stupid do you have to be to mix up those two things? Also, if I were in his shoes, I’d double check with the person sitting next to me to make sure everyone did get something (before tearing up chocolate wrappers). How hard is it to turn to the person next to you and ask, “Hey, did you get some chocolates too”?

I wasn’t buying any of that crap. I told random dude not to eat anything that wasn’t his ever again, especially if it was from me. What if I had put ex-Lax on his desk?

Anyways, I turned to Sarah and said I’d try to rectify the situation further and I’d be back. I walked over to Amie’s desk and explained the situation to her. She was quite sympathetic and she offered some of her Kisses from the mound that I had given her. That was quite sweet of Amie.

With chocolates in hand, I went back over to Sarah’s desk to make it right again. She was very thankful and seemed pleased once again. I apologized once more but before I left I shot random dude a dirty look.

I’m known for being a pleasant guy to be around on the team and one that gets along with just about everyone but random dude is testing my abilities in that regard. The shit he pulled was weak. It’s not that I feel bad for me but it’s because there were several hours there where Sarah thought I had somehow accidentally or purposefully forgotten about her. That’s the part I’m not cool with. I later found out that Sarah had asked some of the other ladies if they got chocolates and a card, and they had to lie so that she wouldn’t feel bad. That didn’t make me feel good.

Random dude, you best be changing your behaviour from now on.