When I was in my mid-20s I knew that when I got older, my body would betray me in ways that I would not like: I’d get wrinkles, my hair would turn gray, my hair might even go away, I’d forget things, I’d forget things, my wang would stop working, and so forth.

There is one thing that I didn’t account for and that thing didn’t even wait until I turned 30 to happen. When I was about 25 years old or so, I noticed that my nose hairs started growing crazy long and thick out of nostrils. Yeah, that’s a pretty picture, isn’t it? It got to the point where I’d be just sitting there and then I’d exhale and then out would pop this thick, black, dark as midnight nose hair. It wouldn’t just sit barely outside my nostril, it’d be hanging out there, waiting for small children swing on.

It got to the point that I had no choice but to start trimming my nose hairs, lest they get in the way while I was eating. Again, try picturing that in your mind. I know you guys love details, so I’ll let you know that my left nostril seems to be more prolific than my right one.

For you younger whipper-snappers out there, let this be a warning of what wonderful things await you in old age.

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